October 2008
9 posts
7 tags
Some more thoughts about my mom's hypocrisy
Ok, not to harp on this one thing, but my mom is so freaking dumb! How could she talk about gay marriage and the traditional family when she got knocked up at age 57 or however old she is!? And then she has a daughter who’s a total floosy, who’s going to marry that redneck thieving porn addict Levi just because he knocked her up. So much for abstinence only, mom! It’s like...
7 tags
OHHH! Gay stuff! That's what my mom was talking...
GAY MARRIAGE! Duh! How could I have been so dumb! Now I understand what my mom was talking about with that her tutor and friend Linda Lingle. Remember I was totally confused about what the hell my mom and Lingle were talking about? That thing that was either a disease or a choice? Well the word they kept using, which I didn’t understand was “gay” and “homo.” Lingle...
About my mom's tutor
So I forgot to tell figured out who my mom’s tutor is. I recognized her when I saw her on TV after the debate defending my mom. Her name is Linda Lingle. She’a apparently the first Jewish female Governor of Hawaii. Weird.
I guess she was at the RNC too. But I didn’t see her. It must have been during one of the rare times I was actually allowed to get some sleep.
4 tags
Levi is such a Perv
So I figured out why the blackberry is so slow. Levi downlowded all of this porn onto it. I’m deleting it so I should be able to write more consistently. Well, it makes sense that he’d be into this since he looks like a pornstar, or at least did until he got his extreme makeover for the RNC.
Hi guys! I'm ba-ack!
Sorry for going MIA. A couple weeks ago I was awoken by Levi looking through my crib. (Not in the Snoop Dog sense of “crib.” Ha, ha. I was able to download an episode of MTV Cribs. I thought it was about babies or something. Turns out it’s an insipid reality TV show.) Anyway I guess Levi was working the room because then he started looking through the drawers and everything....
Liveblogging Presidential Debate #2
Hi guys,
I’m blogging from this wack restuarant Boli’s on the Boulevard, in North Carolina. My mom is watching the debate here with some Republicans.
Wow. John McCain is angy and insane. He really needs to choose his battles. He’s such a hater. But he’s not just hating on Obama. He’s hating on Tom Brokaw! Brokaw just asked who McCain would appoint as treasury secretary...
Whoops! I fell asleep while blogging
Hi guys! Sorry, for the ……………….jjjjjjjjjjjjjj that ended my last post last night. I fell asleep. But can you really blame me? I mean my teen parents are souch freakin’ idiots. Last night’s debate was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay past my bed time. What kind of parents keep their kid up that late? They have no concern for my sleeping schedule.
Then they brought...
Liveblogging the VP debate
My mom is such a slut! I can’t beleive she is wearing this outfit to her first vice-presidential debate. She’s wearing this tight black suit and these bright red shoes. Those are the “fuck me pumps” that she promised my dad she wouldn’t wear. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, I wasn’t born yesterday. I was going through some family albums and see...
Live Blogging pt 2: My Mom Plays the Maverick Card...
So my mom is calling McCain a maverick for like the 3007th time. I didn’t know he was a maverick! And I never knew he was a POW! Why doesn’t the campaign mention either of those two things? UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My mom is totally playing the identity politics card (not that she knows what those three words mean individually or combined.) She’s showing that McCain has universal...
September 2008
10 posts
I don't get it! Is it a disease or a choice? This...
mom: it's a disease, I'm pretty sure they found the gene.
tutor: it's actually not. It's more of a choice.
mom: well then it's a disease you choose.
tutor: maybe. But either way, you don't have to worry about catching anything. It's not contagious. It's certainly not airborn.
mom: why do you know so much about the disease-choice?
tutor: mostly from books. One of my best friends is-- has the disease choice. But she got it under control. Some people spend a lot of their lives acting out their choice. But you know that saying, if a tree falls and nobody hears it does it really make a sound?
mom: ummm.No. But that is a really good stumper. I think it really makes a sound.
tutor: well if people act out but nobody knows they are, does it really matter?
mom: just to god. Because you have to live with the choice. Plus, it does matter. Did you know that they caused Katrina to happen? I swear to God.
I'm so confused. Is it a choice or a disease or...
So this is what my mom and her tutor were saying today. And I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about
mom: it’s a disease, I’m pretty sure they found the gene.
tutor: it’s actually not. It’s more of a choice.
mom: well then it’s a disease you choose.
tutor: maybe. But either way, you don’t have to worry about
catching anything....
Dad is Pissed
Today my mom and dad got into a huge fight. He said he doesn’t want the tutor coming over “with her freakish ways.” Mom said she really needs her help to study and that she’s not freakish. “Listen! She may be funny looking and Jew, but you know me better than to think that I would actually have one of those people in my home and expose my children to those kinds of...
My Mom's Tutor is so Annoying and she may be...
My mom’s tutor is basically living here. She’s always hanging out with my mom. She’s supposed to be training her but my mom isn’t improving at all. That’s because they don’t practice debating that much. They mostly just talk and laugh. And every now and then my mom will try on different outfits for her to see which one she should wear to the debate. She told her...
3 tags
Debate Prep Disaster
My mom is flipping out. It’s so embarassing to have a mom who is less mature than you.
She’s throwing a total tantrum hissy fit because her tutor just came over and said she can’t bring flashcards to the debate. My mom got all upset because she says that if she had known that, she never would have agreed to the debate.
Her tutor is trying to comfort her and keeps hugging her....
4 tags
Debate Prep part II
My mom is so inept. She’s been practicing for this debate, which should be really interesting. She kept messing up with the old flashcards so her tutor made her new ones and threw out a bunch of the old ones. Here are her new flashcards
Taxes
Why Obama sucks
Why McCain is a Maverick
Why not answering questions is partiotic
Why answering questions is elitist and Washington DC insider
...
Debate Prep
So my mom has this special tutor for this debate she has to do. She’s really nervous and keeps saying she doesn’t want to do it. I heard her tell my dad that she was going to make me have some kind of accident and say she couldn’t do it because she would need to be “tendin’ to my little one.” Then my dad said she could just SAY I had an accident without actually...
2 tags
Live Blogging RNC: My mom did NOT just say that!
My mom just made a terrible joke. And if that’s not bad enough, she ripped it off from that fat pastor, John Haggee! She’s sooo embarassing. I can’t beleive she’s my mom. She actually said, during her speech
I love those hockey moms. You know, they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick.
WHAT!!! I told you she read that Hagee book!
4 tags
OMG I HATE you Piper!!!!!!!!!!!
This night is sooo humiliating. Not only is my mom talking like a total idiot, but my genius sister thought it would be a good idea to give me to Piper. Because, you know, 7 year olds are great with babies, especially special needs babies, as my mom likes to call it. Thanks for sugarcoating my existance, mom. Pathetic. You think I appreciate these misleading euphemisms? Being for Special needs...
7 tags
Liveblogging the RNC
So I’m sitting underneath the seats in the excel center. Slutface Magee and her heartthrob Levy put me down so I can crawl around after they posed for the camera. In theory, it’s a dick move. But in practice, it let’s me live blog, which is fun.
Mr. Chairman, delegates and fellow citizens, I will be honored to accept your nomination for vice president of the United States. Mom...
August 2008
5 posts
5 tags
John McCain, Please tell me you're joking!
Wow. This can’t be happening. Thank god I have this blackberry thing. You see, nobody in this family reads any non-fiction, or any newspapers, so without the internet I would have NOOO idea about what was going on in the world. So today, on my google reader I saw this BBC article. (I try to read the foreign press to get a less insular opinion.) And you know that thing she was going to be...
3 tags
Old Man is going to choose Young Ho over Jew Boy
My mom ran into the room today and jumped on my dad and wrapped her legs around his waste and everything and was really excited. Then she said “Well they may run the media and the banks, but thank’s to me, there will be one less Jew Boy running the country. Because the old man tapped me!”
So it looks like that old man went with my mom and not the Jew Boy. So he went with the...
2 tags
What the Hell? I don't think Either one is Jewish
OK. So now I’m really, really confused. You know, I’ve been maturing exponentially, as babies tend to do, so I’m pretty embarassed that I didn’t infer that Lieberman was Jewish because of his name. But again, I think my unfamiliarity with that culture (it really is a culture and not just a religion, you know) is a little bit justified, given that I don’t run into any...
9 tags
Two Old Man and one Jewboy?
I’m confused. My mom keeps talking about the “old man” and “the Jewboy.” She also calls “the old man” “PTSD”. I don’t know what that stands for. Anyway, I know one of them is John McCain and one of them is Joe Lieberman. Thing is, I can’t for the life of me figure out which one the Jewboy is and which one is the old man. I saw their...
1 tag
The Jewboy and the oldman finally have names!
My mom keeps talking about the Jewish guy and the old man. I’m trying to peice together who they are. She’s mentioned this guy named Joe Lieberman and John McCain. I have to go figure out who the hell these guys are. Wish me luck.
July 2008
1 post
6 tags
The Old man and the Jew Boy
My mom keeps talking to my dad about some old man who’s making some big decision and going to name her or the jewboy. I don’t know what she’s talking about. But she keeps saying “I hope the old man names me and not the jewboy from Connectictut.” I don’t know what she’s talking about. But basically, I can’t think of anything my mom would be more...
June 2008
4 posts
8 tags
Weird day at the Wasilla Assembly of God
I just went to church with my mom. It’s a weird church called the Wasilla Assembly of God. The pastor is from New Jersey, moved here in 1999, but somehow speaks in total Alaskan.
My mom mentioned me. She’s calls me her little one. But she spent most of her time talking about my older brother, who she totally has a thing for. Hello!!!! Oedipus Comlex anyone?
Anyway, the jist of her...
10 tags
So who is this Trig guy anyway?
OK. Sorry we got cut off. One of my 500 siblings was coming so I had to hide the blackberry under my pillow. Anyway, so, yeah, I’m Trig. I’m the member of the Palin family you don’t ever really hear anything about. I mean, I understand people don’t want to make fun of me. But it’s pretty ironic that my family is retarded and I’m the black sheep of the family...
3 tags
This is awesome
So I swiped my mom’s blackberry. She won’t miss it, really. She can’t even use it. I’ve seen her try to but she just gets frustrated and this time she got so frustrated, she threw it on the ground. I happened to be crawling around and grabbed it. It’s pretty neat. I just set up a blog using this tumblr thing, which seems to be all the rage. It has pretty decent remote...
Is this thing on?
This is a test. Is this thing working?